'Iron Man' — movie review

After Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, X-Men, Incredible Hulk and the Fantastic Four, Hollywood’s superhero pickings were bound to get mighty slim. Look, up in the sky! It’s a nerd! It’s inane! It’s Iron Man!

The latest Marvel Comics character to be downloaded into theaters, Iron Man is equal parts RoboCop, the Iron Giant and a 1970s AMC Pacer. This tin-plated Man of Steel is covered in rust, if not rot.

Director Jon Favreau’s first mistake might have been Robert Downey Jr., cast as Iron Man’s alter ego Tony Stark, a billionaire weapons industrialist with a taste for liquor and the ladies. As Stark (originally modeled on Howard Hughes), Downey forges the role with muttered lines and screwy quips. With a nod to Downey’s tumultuous past, Stark even admits, “I’m not the hero type.” You won’t need X-ray vision to figure that out.

Favreau’s script doesn’t fashion a diabolical bad guy for Iron Man until an hour into the movie—well after your popcorn goes stale. It took four screenwriters to tack together a cardboard plot ignited by the threat from a beady-eyed bunch of generic insurgents, suspiciously holed up in an Afghanistan cave. At his home base in L.A., Stark faces a hostile takeover by his smarmy right-hand man, Obadiah Stane (Jeff Bridges).

In mechanically tedious detail, Favreau demonstrates how Stark is first transformed from wild-mannered tycoon into heavy-metal crusader. At the heart of his new identity is a glowing chest implant that keeps shrapnel from clogging his arteries. When Iron Man gets down to business, you can bet this RoboPlayboy doesn’t stop for donuts or dames.

Given the A-list cast, it’s ironic just how plastic Iron Man is. As Stark’s true-blue assistant, Oscar-winner Gwyneth Paltrow is limited to a walk-on role, almost literally, smiling like a Miss America contestant and teetering around Stark’s laboratory in high heels. Paltrow is so devoted to Stark, romantically and otherwise, she hardly bats an eye when he beds a trashy member of the liberal media (Leslie Bibb) at his modernistic Malibu mansion. Another wasted bystander is Terrence Howard, grounded as Stark’s Air Force liaison and carousing buddy.

Stark’s metallic metamorphosis brings with it a change of heart that transforms him from amoral arms dealer into a kinder, gentler tycoon who wants to get his company into the plowshare business. The switch causes Obadiah to go ballistic, and he may have all the power he needs to send Iron Man straight to the scrap heap.

Fans willing to wait out Favreau’s preliminaries may well blow a fuse during the final showdown between Iron Man and his surprise arch enemy. It’s metal against metal, alloyed with adequate special effects, but neither Favreau nor Downey does anything special to prove their mettle in superhero flicks.

I’d be amazed if Iron Man galvanizes a huge box-office following, especially if you hear a prototype tagline: Pressed into service, he gets steamed!